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MoneyHole

E*TRADE’s New CarPlay Integration Lets You Rebalance Your IRA While Merging Onto The Highway

HUGE WIN For Money Mutants! In what’s being hailed as a breakthrough for high-efficiency personal finance, E*TRADE’s new feature brings its full iOS experience to…

FINALLY: America Solves Retirement Crisis By Making The “Opt-Out” Button Slightly Annoying To Find

Historic balances powered by a bold new strategy: auto-enroll everyone at 10–15% and count on people being too lazy to change it. Omaha, NE- The…

Gen Z Overwhelmingly Embracing New “Minimalist” Phone Which Doesn’t Actually Function As A Phone Or Anything At All

The $38-a-month Null One is being hailed as a triumph of “functional storytelling” — a design breakthrough that doesn’t call, text, or connect in any…

Strategic Update: Amid Government Shutdown, Pentagon Announces “Restructuring”, Lays Off Entire U.S. Military

In a “difficult but necessary” right-sizing, all 1.3 million U.S. service members have been encouraged to leverage their skillsets in the private sector. Pentagon says…

Incredible: This Shiny Rock We Dug Out Of The Ground Continues To Outperform Wages, Housing, And The Entire Digital Economy

Analysts confirm the shiny yellow rock—best known for “looking cool as shit in crowns”—is somehow outperforming AI, smartphones, and the entire sector devoted to making…

Efficiency Win! Budget’s New AI Scanner Can Instantly Tell When Your Dodge Charger Has Been Violently Crashed

Buckle up, Money Mutants: Budget is rolling out an AI that eliminates the human guesswork of noticing your rental car is now a crumpled ball…

Inspiring: When This Human Geography Major Couldn’t Find His Degree In Workday’s Dropdown, He Picked One That Sounded More Employable

A masterclass in rebranding your genuinely useful degree into whatever AI is, because your rent is due and HR algorithms are dumb. You love to…