PERSONAL FINANCE ALERT: After A Four-Year Legal Battle I Don’t Remember Joining, I Have Secured A Historic $38.36 Windfall From Facebook And Now Must Rebuild My Life As A Wealthy Person
Case No. 3:18-md-02843-VC took four years to resolve. The proceeds have since been allocated across four buckets, the largest of which is $15.36 held in Venmo.
When a life-changing payment of $38.36 hits your account, you have two choices: waste it, or build a dynasty.
In the spring of 2021, during one of those long, formless pandemic afternoons, I clicked a link that said something like, “If Facebook used your data, you could be owed money.”
Holy shit. That’s me, I thought. I’m a guy who used Facebook, and then Facebook probably used me. This was it. The payday.
My pulse quickened. My eyes bulged with imagined riches. I was already picturing the generational wealth this mysterious and possibly fraudulent class action would bring me. I clicked in.
A simple form asked for my name, my address, and my Venmo handle—details I entered without hesitation, my mind racing with images of a new car, a down payment on a house, maybe a sailboat.
I checked two boxes confirming I lived in the United States between May 24, 2007 and December 22, 2020, and had, at some point, been a Facebook user. The court calls this “claim submission.” I call it “letting it ride.”
Today, my friends, that gamble paid off: I have received $38.36.
With this unprecedented financial event, I am forced to confront a question that destroys lesser minds: how does one responsibly manage a windfall of nearly forty dollars that was wrested from the grasp of a trillion-dollar company for the crime of doing whatever it was they did to my data while I was busy taking quizzes to find out which bread I am?
Step 1: Understand the Source of Your Wealth
I honestly have no idea what the lawsuit was about. Something to do with privacy, profiles, or possibly Cambridge. Maybe my data helped a Russian bot undermine multiple elections. Maybe Facebook monetized a photo of me holding a margarita in 2017. I don’t know. All I know is that justice (Case No. 3:18-md-02843-VC) took four years, and Venmo just sent me an amount that can buy six artisanal bagels.
Step 2: Stay Grounded
I’ve already noticed the power changing me. When I open Venmo now, I feel an almost godlike calm. I’ve started checking Zillow “just to see.” I caught myself googling “How to discreetly tell friends you’re rich now without it being awkward.”
Wealth advisors specifically warn against this. They say many recipients of sudden windfalls lose their sense of perspective and start treating debit cards like identities. That won’t be me. I’ll stay humble. I’ll still shop at Trader Joe’s. I’ll just walk a little taller. I have become a man in full.
Step 3: Create a Financial Plan
With the help of the internet, I diversified into a four-bucket asset model:
- $13 into high-yield savings sleeve, for long-term security.
- $8 into a broad-sector ETF called “VTI” for capital appreciation.
- $2 set aside for philanthropy, most likely one of those Salvation Army bell guys if I accidentally make eye contact outside of the Trader Joe's.
- $15.36 cash, in Venmo, as a tasteful reminder of my liquidity.
If properly managed, experts say this could grow to as much as $38.90 by year’s end.
Step 4: Lifestyle recalibration
Wealth warps people. I will remain grounded, but not forget to live a little.
- I will set the thermostat to 69 at noon just to participate in the sensation economy.
- I will upgrade from the cheapest IKEA lamp to the one that costs slightly more than that, so my living room can finally whisper “old money.”
- I will buy name-brand toothpaste as long as it's also on sale.
Step 5: Remain Grateful, and Prepare for the Moochers
The moment that Venmo notification hit, distant relatives appeared in my inbox to pitch their candle start-ups. To protect my fortune, I’ve created a blind trust named “Do Not Ask Me For Money.”
I plan to honor my roots by sending Facebook a message thanking them for the opportunity to sue them. Without their dedication to monetizing my personal data and doing whatever it is illegal shit that they did with my entire digital life, I might still be middle class.
